You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
