Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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