you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
