What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
