Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
