And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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