The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
