I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
