Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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