i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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