It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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