Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
