Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
