I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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