well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
