you traded sex for a burrito?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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