So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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