So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
