She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
