apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
