If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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