I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
