I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
