who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
false alarm, still single
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