So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i used baking grease as lip gloss
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
