my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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