well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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