remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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