I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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