the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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