either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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