My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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