theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
