Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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