I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
