from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
