Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
