Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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