New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
