Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
