Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
