There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
