Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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