she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
