I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
