I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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