After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
