eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
