I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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