but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
