She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
