all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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