I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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