How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
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I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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