I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
