She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Be still, my beating vagina.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
