My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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